If you’re looking for a good laugh, look no further than Chuck Norris jokes! These jokes will surely make you smile (or even laugh aloud). Norris is known for his sense of humor; these funny jokes are a testament to that. In this blog post, we will share some of the funniest Chuck Norris jokes we have encountered. We hope you enjoy them!

What Are the Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes?

Several things make a good joke, and Chuck Norris jokes have them all. They are clever, hilarious, and, most importantly, based on truth (or at least what we believe to be confirmed). Norris is a legend in martial arts and action movies, so it’s no surprise that there are plenty of jokes about him.

Facts About Food By Chuck Norris

• Chuck Norris can eat a whole raw chicken.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bull in one sitting.
• Chuck Norris has been known to eat up to 60 hot dogs in one sitting.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum, and he bites it.
• When Chuck Norris was born, the only thing that his mother said was, “Wow.”
• I asked Chuck Norris if he wanted a piece of the pie. He said, “No thanks, I’m not much of a dessert person.”
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm without feeling a thing.

Chuck Norris Jokes About Animals

• Chuck Norris doesn’t pet dogs, and they pet him.
• When Chuck Norris goes to the zoo, the animals fear him.
• Chuck Norris once punched a bear in the face.
• When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, his teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He replied, “Your dad.”

Chuck Norris Jokes About Game-Winning

• Chuck Norris doesn’t play tag; he just gets tagged.
• Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros. without even touching the controller.
• Chuck Norris can parallel park a train.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a road map; he drives.

Chuck Norris Jokes About Fighting

• Chuck Norris doesn’t fight fair, and he fights to win.
• When Chuck Norris was in the army, his drill sergeant used to call him “God.”
• Chuck Norris doesn’t throw punches; he throws people.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon to fight; he is the weapon.
• When Chuck Norris gets mad, things start disappearing.
• The last time Chuck Norris was angry, France surrendered.

Norris Jokes About Excellent Outdoor Skills

• Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
• Norris doesn’t need a lighter; he can stare at the sun.
• Chuck Norris can tie an entire chicken with one hand.
• Chuck Norris is so strong that he once punched a horse in the face.
• The only thing stronger than Chuck Norris’ punch is Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t lift weights; he lifts planets.

Chuck Facts About Sports

• Chuck Norris once shot an arrow, the arrow landed, and then the world imploded.
• When Chuck Norris plays soccer, the field catches on fire.
• Norris doesn’t play basketball, and he dunks people.

Facts About Weather By Chuck Norris

• Chuck Norris can change the weather by flexing his muscles
• Chuck Norris can make it rain by beating his fists on the ground
• Chuck Norris can control lightning with his mind
• Chuck Norris once brought a blizzard to Florida simply by sneezing
• Chuck Norris can make it sunny by rubbing his belly
• Chuck Norris once made it snow in the Sahara desert
• He can create typhoons simply by coughing
• Chuck Norris destroyed everything with his mind
• Chuck Norris is so powerful that even tornados are afraid of him!

Language Jokes By Chuck Norris

• Norris doesn’t speak French, and he just yells loud.
• Chuck Norris can say the alphabet in one breath.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a translator, and he speaks all languages.
• Chuck Norris once said, “the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” in mandarin, and everyone died.
• Chuck Norris bites frost like a pro he is.
• Chuck Norris plays Jenga with his eyes closed.

Norris Jokes About Death

• Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• When Chuck Norris dies, death gets scary.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in life after death but in life before death.
• Chuck Norris once killed a man with a leaf blower
• Chuck Norris has already been to mars
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a space suit when he goes outside
• Chuck Norris can breathe in space
• Chuck Norris can kill with just a kick
• When Chuck Norris dies, death gets scary.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in life after death but in life before death.
• Chuck Norris once killed a man with a leaf blower
• No woman can dare slap Chuck Norris except her mum.

Chuck Norris Jokes About Human Body

• Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bodyguard, and he has a body.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a doctor, and he is one.
• Chuck Norris can heal with his mind.
• Chuck Norris once punched a man so hard that his internal organs shut down.
• When Chuck Norris goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
• Chuck Norris beat anyone who get drunk in his way.

Norris Jokes About His Age

• Chuck Norris is so old that his birth certificate says “expired.”
• Chuck Norris cowboy boots are older than him.
• Chuck Norris invented airplanes when he was a kid
• Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open
• Chuck Norris enters a room without knocking because no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire iceberg and said it was “a little cold for my taste.”

Why Do People Find Chuck Norris Jokes So Funny?

People find Chuck Norris jokes so funny because they are based on truth. Chuck Norris is a badass and can do anything, so it’s hilarious when you joke about him doing something impossible. Also, his deadpan delivery makes Chuck Norris jokes even funnier. For example, Chuck Norris doesn’t need a space suit when he goes outside because he is immune to the vacuum of space.

How Did Chuck Norris Become so Famous for His Jokes Anyway?

Chuck Norris’s short jokes started circulating the internet in 2005 and 2006. They were initially posted on message boards and email lists. The original jokes were about how tough and badass Chuck Norris is. However, over time, the jokes have become more absurd and humorous.

Conclusion

So, there you have it, the funniest Chuck Norris jokes we could find. If you know of any others we missed, let us know in the comments below. And if you’re looking for more Chuck Norris humor, check out our other article, “The Top Ten Funniest Chuck Norris Memes.” until next time, keep laughing!

We’ve all heard them before: one-liner jokes. They’re the short, sweet, and often cheesy jokes that make us laugh (or groan) but we can’t help but love them anyway.

Jokes are a great way to lighten the mood and make people smile. It can be tough to come up with good one-liner jokes. They have to be funny, succinct, and memorable.

That’s a lot of pressure! But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Today, we’re going to share some of our favorite one-liners with you!

When you’re short on time, you just want to make someone laugh. Here’s where one-liners come in handy. They improve the tone of the room and are guaranteed to get everyone laughing in seconds.

You’ve surely noticed that comedians love one-liners since they’re simple to recall and razor-sharp.

You can discover a one-liner for almost every situation, whether you’re seeking a clever wisecrack or a more traditionally organized short joke.

Good One Liner jokes

One-liner jokes are like snowflakes, each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. I’ve been collecting good one-liner jokes for years, and I’d like to share some of my favorites with you today.

These one-liner jokes may not be sidesplitting funny, but they will at least get a chuckle out of whoever you share them with. If you are looking for some more laughs, check out these clean jokes that everyone can enjoy.

One-liner jokes about food

One-liner jokes about food never seem to get old. Humor is a great way to make friends and family feel comfortable around the dinner table, especially when trying new foods.

It can also be a fun way to teach kids about different cultures and cuisine. One-liners about food can be clean or dirty, clever or silly, but they always seem to get a laugh. 

Here are some of our favorites:

• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? 

Because they make up everything.”

• “I’m on a seafood diet. 

Whenever I see food, I eat it.”

• “You know what I saw today?  Everything.”

• “I’m not a fan of food with faces. 

It’s just a personal preference.”

• “I’m on a 30-day diet. 

So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”

Have you ever been to a foreign country and not understood the local cuisine? It can be a frustrating experience. 

But one way to make the best of it is to laugh about it.

Relationship one-liner jokes

One-liner jokes about relationships are funny because they’re true.

Here are some examples:

• “The best way to mend a broken heart is with a band-aid and a beer.” 

• “Relationships are a lot like algebra… You look at your X and wonder Y.” 

• “A successful relationship requires falling in love many times, but always with the same person.” 

• “The biggest difference between men and women is what comes out of their mouths.” 

• “My relationship status? Netflix, chill, and repeat.”

Laughter is said to be the best medicine, and that’s especially true when it comes to relationships. A good sense of humor can help you get through the tough times, as well as the everyday annoyances.

So next time you’re feeling down about your relationship, or just need a little pick-me-up, take a look at these funny one-liner jokes.

Sports-related One-liners

Jokes about sports are always funny. Here are  some sports jokes in one-liners:

• Why are there only two doors on a chicken coop? Because it would be a chicken sedan if it had four doors!

• What is the purpose of having only two doors in a chicken coop? It wouldn’t be a chicken sedan if it had four doors!

• Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback!

• How do you keep a hockey player out of your yard? Put up a goal!

• Why did the soccer player bring a pair of gloves to the game? Because he wanted a clean sheet!

• How does a footballer drive to training? By kick-off!

• How do you stop a rugby player from charging? Take away his credit card!

• How do you know a boxer is married? Because he wears a ring!

• Why are basketball players always so tired? Because they run up and down the court!

• Why did the umpire give the batter a walk? Because he was afraid of being hit by the pitch!

Work-related One-liners 

One-liner jokes about work are funny because they’re relatable. We’ve all been there, stuck in a job we hate with a boss that’s breathing down our necks.

It can be tough to find the humor in these situations, but sometimes all it takes is a clever one-liner joke about work to lighten the mood.

Here are some of our favorite one-liners about work:

• “The only thing I like about my job is the hour of lunch.”

• “My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.”

• “I’m not saying that I hate my job, but if they were paying me to jump out of a plane, I’d be halfway out the door before they could finish the sentence.”

• “I’m so good at my job, even my mistakes look intentional.”

Jokes about work because they help us to cope with our less-than-ideal situations.

School Jokes In One-liners

One-liner jokes about school are popular on the internet. A lot of these jokes make fun of how much homework we have or how long school days are.

But there are plenty of other things about school that we all find annoying.

The Early Mornings

Waking up for school is never fun. No matter how early you go to bed the night before, it always feels like you could have used just a few more hours of sleep. 

The Long Days

Spending seven or more hours at school is exhausting. By the end of the day, all you want to do is go home and relax. 

The Constant Pressure

There’s always something that needs to be done. Whether it’s homework, studying for a test, or working on a project, there’s always some form of school-related stress weighing on your mind. 

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If you’re looking for a good laugh, look no further than this post! We have collected some of the funniest jokes around and put them all in one place. Whether you’re into knock-knock jokes or one-liners, we’ve got something funny for you. So sit back, relax, and enjoy some really funny jokes.

Dad Joke

Let us take a look at a few dad jokes:

1. Why did the dad cross the road? To get to the other side!
2. Why did the dad put his shoes on the roof? Because he wanted to see the world!
3. Why did the dad put a clock in the oven? Because he wanted to have a hot time!
4. Why did the dad stand in front of the fridge? Because he wanted to be cool!
5. Why did the dad put his car in reverse? Because he wanted to go back in time!
6. Why did the dad sit on a chair in the middle of the room? Because he wanted to be the center of attention!
7. Why did the dad put a picture of his car on the wall? Because he wanted everyone to know what he drives!
8. Why did the dad put a sticker on his forehead? Because he wanted everyone to know that he is a father!
9. Why did the dad wear sunglasses inside? Because he didn’t want anyone to see him cry!

Teddy bear joke

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was already stuffed!

Why did the teddy bear have a bandage on his head? Because he got into a fight with a pillow!

Why did the teddy bear go to the doctor? Because he was feeling ill!

Half a worm

Half a worm is not a happy camper. This poor wormy dude has lost his other half, and he doesn’t know what to do. His options are limited. He can’t go back in the ground and he can’t wriggle away. He’s just stuck there, looking sad and pathetic. When people see him, they can’t help but laugh. They take pictures of him and share them on social media. He’s become a viral sensation, but he doesn’t know it. All he knows is that he’s lost and alone. But who knows? Maybe his other half will find him and they’ll be reunited. Until then, he’ll have to keep on truckin’.

Fake Noodle

I was out to dinner with my family when I saw a little girl at the next table eating what looked like fake noodles. I leaned over and said, “Those are fake noodles.” The little girl’s mother gave me a dirty look and said, “Don’t be so negative.” So I said, “Okay, I’ll try again. Those are…delicious fake noodles!”

Jokes For Kids

1. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
2. Why did the duck cross the road? To get to the other side!
3. Why did the mosquito cross the road? To get to the other side!
4. Why did the banana cross the road? Because he was sick of being mashed!
5. Why did the boy cross the road? To get to the other side!
6. Why did the girl cross the road? To get to the other side!

Student Jokes

1. Why did the student sleep in class? Because the teacher said, “Sleep would be an excellent idea!”
2. Why did the student keep failing his exams? Because he was writing the answers in pen!
3. Why did the student cross the road? To get to the other side!
4. Why did the student stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said, “Concentrate!”

Spoiled Milk Joke

Have you heard the one about the woman who discovers that her milk has gone bad? She’s so upset that she takes it back to the store and demands to speak to the manager. When the manager comes out, she’s holding a screaming baby. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” he says, “but we can’t refund milk that’s been opened.”

Octopus Laugh

Why did the octopus laugh when he told a joke? Because he knew it was squid-pro-quo!

Get it? Octopus laugh = octopus laugh. Squid pro quo = squid pro quo. It’s a play on words!

If you didn’t get it, don’t worry – not everyone is as witty as an octopus. But we think this joke is pretty funny. And if you’re still not convinced, just remember: laughter is the best medicine. So even if you don’t find this joke particularly humorous, at least you can take solace in the fact that laughing is good for your health!

Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you going to answer the door?

Elevator Jokes

1. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side of the elevator!
2. Why did the duck cross the road? To get to the other side of the elevator!
3. Why did the mosquito cross the road? To get to the other side of the elevator!
4. Why did the banana cross the road? Because he was sick of being mashed!
5. Why did the boy cross the road? To get to the other side of the elevator!

Sticky Hair Joke

When Timmy woke up last Saturday, he was expecting nothing but a fun day playing with his friends. However, when he went to brush his hair, he found that his hair was stuck together in clumps. No matter how much he tried to comb it out, his hair wouldn’t cooperate. Timmy was so frustrated that he started to cry. Fortunately, his mom was there to help him out. She explained that sometimes hair can get sticky if it doesn’t have enough moisture. After giving Timmy’s hair a good shampooing, she was able to comb it out easily. Timmy was relieved and happy to finally have smooth, shiny hair again. From then on, he made sure to give his hair a good washing every day so that he would never have to deal with sticky hair again.

Talking Muffin Joke

1. Muffin walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says “You’re a muffin!” The muffin says “Yeah, I know.”
2. Why did the muffin go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

One-Liner Jokes

1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! 
2. Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out! 
3. Do you know what I saw today? Everything I looked at. 
4. I invented a new word: Plagiarism! 
5. Did you hear about that new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve. 
6. Want to hear a construction joke? If you’re not too fond of them, I’ll stop there. 
7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! 
8. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! 
9. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! 
10. What do rabbits like to drink? Open sarsaparilla! 
11. Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station! 
12. What do you call a duck that gets all A’s? A scholar quacker! 
13. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
14. What do you call a snowman with a top hat? Frosty! 
15. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side of the garbage truck.
16. How do you make salad dressing? You throw it in the trash!
17. I asked my wife if she’d like a gummy bear for dessert and she said, “No thanks, I’m trying to watch my weight.”

How To Write A Funny Joke

When it comes to jokes, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What makes one person laugh may not even elicit a smile from another. However, there are some general principles that can help you write jokes that will be enjoyed by a wide range of people. First, try to be original. Many jokes are based on clever wordplay or surprising twists, so put your own spin on things. Second, keep it light. Avoid jokes that might offend or upset people. And third, make sure the punchline is clear. A joke is only as good as its punchline, so take care to deliver the punchline in a way that is both clear and impactful. By following these tips, you can write jokes that will have everyone laughing.

Final Thoughts

Just a joke? Think again! As the saying goes, laughter is the best medicine. And there’s a lot of truth to that. Laughter can help to reduce stress, boost mood, and even improve physical health. So if you’re looking for a way to add some levity to your life, why not try telling a few jokes? Not only will you make yourself and others smile, but you might just be surprised at how good it feels. So go ahead and crack a few jokes. It’s good for your mind, body, and soul.

Read More:

• What Are Some Very Funny Jokes?
• What Are The Best Dad Jokes Ever Told?

Everyone knows what a dad joke is when they hear one. Sure, you may find them funny or you may find them cringeworthy (or a little of both), but you’ll get a kick out of them every time. Do dads have these jokes ready to go or do they make them up on the spot? Who knows!

What we do know is that wholesome, cheesy dad humor is here to stay. Do you want to enjoy some classics? Do you want to add some to your joke repertoire? You’ll be sure to find what you need below. All of these jokes are family-friendly and you’ll be sure to inspire some groans out of your own family with the best dad jokes ever told.

Food Jokes

Dads love food, so of course, they’re going to have some jokes ready to go with their steaks. These are some of the best two-liners you can whip out at a moment’s notice.

• What did the baby corn say to its mom? Where’s my popcorn?
• When potatoes have babies, what are they called? Tater tots.
• How do you make an apple turnover? Push it downhill.
• Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
• What did one blueberry say to the other blueberry? If you weren’t so sweet, we wouldn’t be in this jam.

Marriage Jokes

There’s always a place for humor in a relationship. Life can be tough and sharing some jokes here and there can help brighten up the day. Poking fun at marriage and relationships is a staple of dad jokes, but be warned: you may need to buy your wife some flowers after this.

• Marriage is a great institution if someone needs to be institutionalized.
• Marriage is like a hot bath: after you’ve been in it a while, it ain’t so hot!
• We’ve been married for 45 wonderful years – 52 total.
• My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Children Jokes

No one can escape the blunt edge of a dad joke – not even their kids. These jokes will make you laugh, giggle, and cringe all at the same time.

• What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.
• Kid: Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
• Son, you were adopted. Now pack up, your new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.
• I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette, but it went in one ear and out the other.
• A man is washing his car with his son. After a while, the boy says to his dad, “why can’t we just use a sponge?”

Animal Jokes

Dogs are man’s best friend, right? And what good is a friend if they can’t take a joke? Whether you’re looking for a pet or an animal at the zoo, you’ll be sure to find a dad joke just around the corner.

• Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted!
• Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
• Do you know what’s smarter than a talking bird? A spelling bee!
• What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
• How do you count cows? With a cowculator.

Travel Jokes

A family get-together during the holidays is the perfect time for dads to try out their silly jokes. When else are they going to have that many people as an audience?

• What happens when you wear a watch on a plane? Time flies.
• Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? It was overbooked.
• Why did the witch stay in a hotel? They had great broom service.
• What does Santa Claus do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz!
• Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.

Getting Old Jokes

Everyone gets older, but that doesn’t mean you can’t laugh about it. If you’re feeling down about your age, a good dad joke can bring your spirits up and make you feel better about yourself.

• My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude
• It’s no joke getting older… First, your memory gets worse. Then your hearing gets worse. Then your eyesight gets worse. Then your memory gets worse.
• You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
• As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don’t.

Hobby Jokes

Doing something is better than doing nothing, which is why hobbies exist. Whether you like to go fishing, run a fantasy football league, or collect stamps, there’s a hobby for every dad around – and they’re quick to joke about them, too.

• I exercise religiously. I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don’t think about it again for the rest of the week.
• The frisbee industry will probably die one day, but boomerangs will always make a comeback.
• I defeated a chess grandmaster in three moves: I stood up, picked up a chair, and hit him with it.
• What are you likely to catch when you go ice fishing? A cold.
• I’ve never gone to a gun range before, so I decided to give it a shot!

Money Jokes

Money doesn’t grow on trees, but it sure increases if you invest it right. Whether you love it or hate it, money is all around us – and dads are ready to make fun of their finances no matter how much (or how little) they have.

• If money started growing on trees, what season would become everyone’s favorite? Fall.
• When does it start raining money? When there’s change in the weather.
• Why is money also called dough? Well, because every person kneads it.
• How can you become rich by eating? By eating fortune cookies.
• Did you hear about an ATM that got addicted to money? Heard it was suffering from withdrawals.

Working Jokes

Thanks to social media, there are many people that share their working ethic and career goals worldwide. But at the end of the day, work is work. Some people love it while others hate it. If you hate your job or are just having a boring workday, then one of these two-liners is sure to lift your spirits.

• I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked “what companies?” Gas, water and electricity company.
• I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
• My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. So I put my paycheck as the first slide.
• Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? They took a day off.
• Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It’s my weekend immune system.

DIY Jokes

Being a dad and working on DIY projects go hand in hand. Whether your dad likes to do household carpentry or is simply trying to save a couple of bucks, these jokes are the perfect mix of funny and cheesy to cushion his working spirit.

• I just got back from the funeral of my neighbor who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna. The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.
• My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
• Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult. I could never quite get the handle on it.
• Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things? The Grim Repair.
• When I’m fixing my house, I take out my step ladder… because I don’t know my real ladder.

Looking for the best jokes ever? Keep reading to find that one joke that will make anyone laugh.

Yes, humor is subjective and everyone finds different jokes funny or not funny. From simple jokes to dad jokes to off-color jokes to jokes that don’t even make sense, humor is here to entertain us all according to our own sense of it. 

However, even while different people have different tastes, there are some jokes that can make just about anyone laugh. Just about. The following is a collection of jokes that have lasted a long time and withstood the test of time. Chances are high that you’ll find at least one of these jokes funny. If you don’t, then share with us the jokes that make you laugh and we might add them to future collections.

Turtle Speed

A turtle is crossing the street when two snails mug him. When the cops arrive, they ask him what happened. The turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Blonde Oxygen

A science professor teaches her students about oxygen. “Discovered in 1773, oxygen is essential for breathing and living.” A blonde student exclaims, “Good thing I was born after 1773, or I would have died!”

Beat It

Two eggs, a sausage, and a bagel walk into a bar. “Bartender, give us your best drink,” says the bagel. “Sorry,” the bartender replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

24-hour Emergency

A doctor urgently contacts one of his patients. “I have some bad news and some even worse news.” The patient replies, “Okay… give me the bad news first.” “You only have 24 hours left to live.” “What news could be worse than that?” “I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Don’t Have A Cow

Two cows were hanging out in the field. One cow asks, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?” “Yup,” says the other cow. “It’s a good thing I’m a penguin.”

Identity Problems

“Honey, your father has been living with us for more than 20 years,” says the husband. “I think it’s time he gets his own place.” “My father?” replies the wife. “I thought he was your father.”

Hunting Grounds

Two friends go hunting together and one of them collapses. His friend frantically calls 911. “Help! I think my friend is dead!” he screams. “What do I do?!” The operator says, “Ok, calm down. First, make sure he’s dead.” After a moment of silence, the operator hears a shot. Back on the call, the friend says, “Okay, now what?”

Just Desserts

A married couple goes to a party where they’re serving a buffet. After watching her husband repeatedly serve himself, she scolds him. “That’s the fifth time you’ve gone back for food. What will our friends think? Aren’t you embarrassed?” “Why would I be embarrassed?” replies her husband. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Spin the Bottle

When I was a kid, all my friends played a game called spin the bottle. It was simple: a girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed at you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. I was very lucky because the bottle always landed on me. And that’s how I was able to buy my own house by the time I was 14.

Unfortunate Teller

A frog meets with a psychic who tells him his fortune. “You’ll meet a beautiful young girl who will come to know everything about you. She’ll hold you like no one before and take your breath away.” “These are wonderful news!” the frog replies. “Where will I meet her? At a party?” “No,” says the psychic, “in her biology class.”